I’ve been on medication for about a month now and have experienced the most personal growth ever. It was a huge relief when it started working because everything got easier. Really experiencing the positive changes keeps me motivated to keep working on adding more lifestyle things in. I have been doing a little bit of yoga and meditation every day. It was amazing how easy it was to establish these habits that I’ve been working on for so long. When your brain chemistry is off, you don’t get rewarded with those good chemicals as much as normal. I’m taking an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) so now my serotonin levels are healthy. It’s incredible how a small pill can make such an impact. I finally feel normal and content. Trying to do life while my mind and body is drowning from the anxiety and stress was keeping me underwater.
The biggest change I’ve experience since starting medication is that I don’t cry anymore. I’ve always been a very sensitive person, and I have only recently learned that I need to embrace it instead of trying to change it. I learned how to hold back tears when I was really young because the littlest things would make me cry. It was so hard to take criticism in school because the second I realized I needed to be better, I would cry. In high school, I would bottle up all of my emotions until one of my parents would ask me if I was doing okay, then I would blow up into uncontrollable sobs. For me, crying isn’t only negative, I cry at happy things too, like, I cried one time while I was watching Food Network because a Chopped contestant said “I cook because it brings my family together” or something like that. I made huge progress senior year when I realized that I shouldn’t try to control my emotions and instead just feel them and address them. I see my sensitivity as a strength now so when I realized the medication made me not be able to cry, I was really weirded out.
I cried two times while writing this post so I know I’ll be able to get back there (and enjoy being more in control of it). It’s an adjustment but I can feel it getting better. I think that’s why it’s taken me such a long time to write this post. Every time I started writing, it didn’t sound right. The posts didn’t come out and flow together the way the previous posts did. It’s weird, but doing this is all about adjustment. My brain has had significant changes and I need to learn how to be me again, with the new brain chemistry. It’s a little frustrating because this is exactly why I didn’t want to go on medication in the first place, I didn’t want to be leveled out. But, this is a good decision for me and all I need to do now is focus on me.
I know that I don’t want this to be a permanent solution but I am so proud of myself for letting my pride and determination go to get the help I needed. In this post, I talked about how I struggled with the decision to get on medication. I thought the best way to get rid of my anxiety would be to work hard and get it over with as soon as possible. (Patience is not one of my well-developed skills.) I can see that one day it will affect me minimally but I understand it takes time to get to that point. Thinking about the science behind how our brain works and understanding chemical imbalance got me past the need to do everything myself.
Writing this post was incredibly frustrating because it took forever to sound right. It took me forever to figure out what to write and I felt like the clock was ticking for me to post again. Eventually I just started writing and everything started to come together. Writing these posts always makes my thoughts and feelings come together, too. You know how they say “do what you love and you won’t work a day in your life”? I think writing is that thing for me. When I let go of searching, I found the thing that I was looking for. Nothing has made me feel like I’m making an impact like this blog. I want to thank everyone who reads my blog. I’m so thankful for all of the feedback I’ve gotten, because this feels right. Nothing has given me such a feeling of success than when people reach out to me because my words touched their lives.