In other news: I need a vacation.

In the past few months, I have dealt with more rejection than I ever thought I could handle. Anyone who’s ever done a job search, understands how shitty it feels when you kill an interview then find out you didn’t get the job. About a month ago, I finally got a job, which I thought would give me relief, but it’s cold-calling sales for a tech company… so more rejection. I’m so thankful to have a paycheck again, but this job is just that, a paycheck. Since I’ve started, I’ve found out how much I hate sales and that I really love marketing. Of course, there’s always a silver lining, I’m getting some really good experience. No matter how much I hate it, people really respect cold-calling /sales experience so what I’m doing now will definitely help me in the future.

Every single day I’ve been at work, I have fantasized about walking out and never coming back. I quickly change gears and think about how I have rent, bills, student loans, etc. to pay, but knowing that there’s going to be a day that I can walk out of there and never come back keeps me calm. This sales role is the hardest job I have ever had but it’s not the good kind of challenging. The challenge for me is getting past my anxiety and worrying about the person on the other side of the line. There are very few people in this world who are stoked about receiving a sales call and it’s really hard to separate myself from that.

I’m having a really hard time staying present because all I think about is my next steps.  I’m working on it and just getting used to the job is helping. The days I am more focused are better. It’s so difficult to find the right balance of being okay with where you’re at in the present and being motivated and wanting more for yourself. 

The first day I was on the phones I had the most severe panic attack I have ever had. But, I still made it to the end of the day. I am so proud of myself for everyday I get through because the easy thing to do would be to just quit. I came very, very close to quitting on that first day. But, I knew that if I could get through that first day, that I could make it through every day after that. There has been more days than not that I’ve had tears in my eyes. Some nights I have so much anxiety about going to work the next day that I can’t sleep. And it sucks because I go sit at a desk all day, it’s not like I’m risking my life, but my body and mind react like there is.

While I’m so proud of myself for just making it to work everyday, I still feel like a failure because I couldn’t get any of the jobs I really wanted. My main goal for 2016 is to trust my gut. I didn’t think it was going to be easy but I didn’t realize how wrong my gut could be. There were a couple jobs that I just knew in my gut I got. I know that there’s a million things going into the other side of the decision, but it still feels like I’m not getting what I want because I’m not good enough for it. I know I can do almost every entry level marketing role and that I would be an assest to any team, but there’s only so much you can do to show someone that. It’s the most fustrating thing about trying to find a job. 

Instead of thinking about all the things I could have done differently or all the ways things could have been different, I’m trying to focus on how what I’m doing now will prepare you for the next step. Everything you want, is out there, available to you, you just can’t control when it happens. I really needed a paycheck and I got one before things got too dicey. My next step is to find a job that is more than just a paycheck. Silver lining: now I can be more picky with the jobs I pursue.

Whatever you’re going through, remember it’s just a blip in your life. The only thing you can do is make the most of it while you’re there. I’m going to focus on doing my best at work, use this blog and other projects for a rewarding creative outlet, and keep my eye out for the next opportunity. As my aunt Beth reminded me, there are no accidents. Reminding myself this has been very grounding. I don’t know what will happen next or when the next opportunity will work out. As much as I hate how out of control I feel right now, going through this job will make me stronger and more confident.

The best lesson in rejection is having a positive attitude is everything. All you can do is do your best with every opportunity you are given. You don’t know what is happening on the other side and with decision making. It isn’t worth it to waste energy worrying about past opportunities. Trust yourself. Trust the present. Trust life, because it has a funny way of giving you exactly what you need.

(Side note: if anyone is looking to fill an entry level marketing role in the Denver area, I’m your girl!)

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