I don’t do well with change. This week has been an emotional rollercoaster because I am moving home to my parents house. It’s going to be a big change from my downtown Denver apartment since I’m doing all my moving stuff, it’s getting real. I’m sad about leaving Denver but excited about the decision. It will eliminate two of my biggest stressors, rent and commuting from Denver to Boulder everyday.
I’ve being going from excited to crying and back again all week. Moving is stressful and makes me nostalgic, reflective, scared, and excited all at the same time. Right before I started writing this, I went from being excited about living like 3 ft. away from my sister, to sad about not being able to hear Rockies games from my apartment to thinking about last summer. I hate that I can go from laughing to sobbing in 2 seconds, but I’m trying to embrace it.
This time last year, I was so hard on myself for not being able to regulate my emotions. I was so headstrong about “fixing” my anxiety that summer that I was trying to change the parts of myself that make me me. This completely backfired and turned in to anger (ex: the time I threw my phone against a wall, which you can read about here). I’m really proud of how I’ve been treating myself within this period of change. My emotions are never going to be “regulated”, especially in the midst of stressful times, no ones are. The best I can do is take some deep breaths and let it pass. I made a lot of mistakes this year and I’m not where I thought I’d be, but I’ve grown so much in other ways. All that really matters is that you are growing period. It took me a while to realize that. It’s not two steps forward, one step back, it’s three steps in the right direction. I have a job that I’m excited to go to everyday (thanks to the people), and that’s more than I could have asked for.
Also, I just renewed my domain name. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I started blogging. The hardest part was consistency. I had so many drafts that I never published because it is really hard to make a blog post feel finished. I made impossible goals for myself when I started this but now I think I just want this to be my littler corner of the internet. My goal for the next year of blogging is just to write more. It’s been 5 months since my last post…oops.
Thank you to everyone who read my blog this year. I could not believe the response I got. The first time I posted, I felt so weird about posting such personal stuff but just said “fuck it” and didn’t give myself enough time to change my mind. I’m so glad I did, because I could have never predicted the response. I felt so alone in dealing with anxiety, graduation, job difficulties, etc. I am especially thankful for everyone who reached out to me directly. Knowing your words touched someone is an incredible feeling.