At work, we get a monthly health stipend that you can use for the gym, yoga, massages, etc. This spring, I saved up my stipend to buy a punch card for a dance studio in Boulder. I had the card in my wallet for months but never made moves to take a class. I would look at the schedule probably once a week, make plans with myself to go to a class, and then never follow through. This week, I finally decided, no matter what, I was going to a class. No excuses. I picked out a beginner hip hop class and went.
When I got to the studio, I chatted with the lady while setting up my account. “The hip hop class is an adult class, right?” I asked. “Well… no… but the kids don’t care!” She said. For a second, I thought about leaving or waiting for the adult class that was actually later. But I was already there and I wanted to take a hip hop class so I stayed.
If you know me in real life, you know that when I get embarrassed or all the attention is on me, I get bright red. As I was in the room, waiting for the class to start, I could feel how hot my face was. I felt like everyone was watching me and wondering why I was there. To make myself feel better, I introduced myself to the instructor and told him I was confused with the schedule and thought I was coming to the advanced class so I was just “rolling with it”.
The deep down reason I was procrastinating going was because I hate feeling exposed. It is really fuckin hard to remember all the steps and add new ones at the same time. Not to mention how bad I am at following instructions. I didn’t want it to be obvious that it was my first class. I didn’t want to feel everyone’s eyes on me.
In life, things tend to align in weird ways. Going to the kids class taught me that it isn’t “everyone else” making me feel exposed. The kids probably didn’t notice that I was stumbling with the moves. I still felt “exposed”, even after noticing that there were kids in the class at the same level as me. Now that I’m looking back I realize that the kids class was exactly what I needed. The only place those feelings were stemming from is within myself. It was the insecurity of trying something new and having to be vulnerable while learning.
I’m so glad I finally took a dance class and I’m glad that it ended up bein more uncomfortable than expected. I also had more fun than expected. I can’t wait to go back and get better at dancing. Next time I’ll be going to an adult class though.